Caring for My Dying Husband at Home: Beth’s Story (as told to me)

On the day in 2000 my husband David received results indicating his tumor was inoperable, I received word that I had breast cancer.

People ask what it was like when I got cancer. I say I don't know. I spent so much time taking care of David and making things easier for him, I never gave much thought to myself.

Even before he died I put some shrubs at the grave site, so it would be less stark for my children. Then, after he died I kept adding more things: flowering plants, trees, more shrubs. Finally even a sprinkler system. I learned that "perpetual care" means no care.

On the stone, I put "Beloved forever and always, to infinity and back," which is how David used to sign notes to me.

I also put a granite bench by his grave. I would go the cemetery with a blanket and a box of tissues and tell David what was happening with the children, cry some and feel much better.

Now the grave site is ready for me too. I've written a detailed notes about how I want to be buried next to David and have a double stone. I also included how I want to die.

You can go to pain specialists and they can implant something in you and hospice can maintain it. But here's what I have to plan on my own: I want to be conscious when I die. I want to be awake and aware with my children around me.

I'm not afraid of dying, I just want to go gently.

My mother said she never saw anyone look as bad as David. I said, "I know that." My beautiful husband, so handsome at six feet, two hundred pounds, had wasted away to less than a hundred pounds.

The doctor told him he was going to die. After they told him he had less than six months to live, I took him to buy a sports car. I told the dealer my husband has less than six months to live.

It was a hot car with a six-month waiting list. I said, "I can be flexible on the color as long as it's red with black upholstery."

The following week, they had the red car with black upholstery for us. David felt so good driving that car home.

I planned a weekend away, but by then he couldn't drive it so I drove. After he had his bladder removed I took him to Cabo. And now I'm trying to do those kinds of things for myself.

Once David had to be in bed all the time, I would go out only occasionally. I had to get out sometimes. I basically spent my life making memories for him.

My mother asked what she could get David for his birthday. He didn't need clothes, since he was in pajamas all the time. I racked my brain for something that was short term. Then I said to my mom, "How about if you buy his grave?"

When David was about six weeks away from death, we signed up for home hospice care. But I was assertively in charge. I would not allow them to bring in a hospital bed because I thought David would want to die in his own bed.

During the last two weeks, when he stopped eating and drinking, I learned a few things: It's important that you don't say things you don't want someone who is dying to hear. I told our friend I had written David's eulogy. Then I realized, even if he couldn't talk, he could probably hear.

When he got to that stage I would sit on the bed all day while he was lying there. At night I would sleep right next to him so he could feel me there.

We talked about what kind of funeral he wanted and he asked certain people to give eulogies. He specified what he wanted in his coffin from each of his three children. He would have loved his funeral!

What experiences have you or others had caring for ill loved ones at home? What kinds of things do you worry about for when your own end draws near.

Read how Beth dealt with David's possissions after he died as well as another woman's story of Divorce, Downsizing, Dating and Death.

See also My Husband's Final Days and Funeral: Beth's Story Continues

Look for more of Beth's story in future posts. (Note: names have been changed.)