The Funeral: A Widow With Cancer Plans for the Future, Beth's Story Part 5

When Beth's husband David died from cancer, she followed his instructions to play rock 'n roll at his funeral and to have each of his children place a meaningful trinket in the casket.

Now that her own cancer has metastasized—though she is doing well—she is planning her own funeral and other details of her death. Beth, who lives in New York City, is a planner. Here is Part 5 of her story.

I am trying to plan ahead to avoid what happened when finally, after my husband died, I got around to disposing of his three locked attaché cases.

They were heavy so my curiosity really was piqued. They all had combination locks but, fortunately, he always used the same combination, so I easily opened them.

Inside I found old issues of Playboy, Maxim, Penthouse and sports magazines, including, of course, Sports Illustrated swimsuit issues. My sons and I had a wonderful laugh over that: their father, a sedate dirty old man! Even his sons had more sophisticated porn!

I have written out very specific plans about how I want to die and be buried and my funeral.

I want to be wearing my nicest Hanro pajamas, and I want the hearse driver to take my specified route to the cemetery.

When David died, the hearse driver insisted on taking a route different from what I'd told him. Everyone got lost and it took so long.

For my burial, I wrote, "No matter what the hearse driver says, go thru the Lincoln Tunnel."

I also will, but have not yet done, write a letter to my children about certain small items of jewelry.

It is hard to deal with the rest of my jewelry because other than wanting to give certain precious items to my step-daughter and daughter-in-law, I want them to save things for my granddaughters.

But it's hard to focus on girls who don't yet exist or on the one who is currently just a 10-lb. little lump.

As for my clothing, I have no instructions at all. They can do with it whatever they want, presumably give most of it to a thrift shop or find someone my size who will enjoy wearing the clothing I have loved accumulating and wearing.

All the furniture and art goes to my sons and one of them eventually gets to buy my apartment with his share of the inheritance.

At least I always assumed one of them would want to end up here. But who knows? You can't control everything, even if you want to.

When dividing my parents' stuff, my brother and I sat down in the beginning and agreed we would not let "things" get in the way of our close relationship and we were very successful at that. Our sister was not attached to our parents' things and didn't really want anything.

I want to die in the same bed David died in, on the Pratesi sheets David was going to die on. But because hospice didn't want David to get bedsores, they put a gel pad over his side of the bed.

I don't want any things from my children in the coffin; I want them each to write me a letter and bury me with those.

Once when David did something nice for someone, I asked, "Why are you always doing this. People don't appreciate it."

He said, "On my gravestone I want it to say I'm a great guy." I couldn't believe he was really serious. But I put in a footstone for him that says, The Greatest Guy.

I want one to match, but so far can't think of what to say. Maybe we can have a combined footstone that says The Greatest.

Read more about Beth and David in my Death of a Husband series.

What plans go through your mind about how you want your funeral, etc. to go?

I worry about the period immediately after my departure from this earth, but haven't done a thing! My kids, all in their twenties, don't want to have that conversation. I especially worry about the burden to them of all my stuff!

For a creative way to share eternity with a loved one, Sybil Sage creates fabulous mosaic cremation urns, chockablok with memories, like the one she made so that she and her husband can be together even after death do them part.