How to Organize Before You Die: Advice From a 29-Year-Old Orphan

Lauen Thaler, an only child, is 29 years old. When she was only 18 months old, her father died. In January of 2010, her mom died, 10 months after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Recently, Lauren shared her thoughts with me about how we can organize before we die to make it easier on our adult children or other loved ones.

How did your mom prepare to make sorting through everything easier for you?

She had always been conscious of her mortality as a result of being a widow and raising an only child. She thought about what would happen to me and wanted to make sure she was leaving me with things in place.

But, no matter how much you organize, you can't drive yourself crazy. No matter what, there are always more things you want to get in order.

As may be true with most people, her will was out of date, so she revised it.

Avoiding probate was a big issue for my mom. With a lawyer's advice, we avoided probate, which in Washington, D.C., where we lived, was easy.

There were value of estate limits. If your estate is at a certain level, you are taxed at a higher rate. So my mom gifted money to me to the extent allowed by the tax laws.

How did you deal with paying your mom's bills after she died?

She was concerned about making sure I knew how to pay the mortgage on the apartment. My mother had been using paper checks. I quickly learned to do it online. But my mom was concerned to show me how she did it. With an envelope and a stamp.

In this day and age there is a "paper" trail online. It's a good idea to set up payments—kids will find that easier and they can help their parents set it up.

Create a list with login and password information for each account. Once your adult children have that, they'll be able to navigate.

What about her investments and other valuables?

When I was growing up, my mom always said "If something happens to me blah, blah, blah safety deposit keys are here."

With regard to her stock portfolio, she wasn't an active investor. We had these long positions in stocks that my mom had had from after my dad passed away.

My mom worried about cost basis and tax consequences.

Shortly after my mother's death I went with dear family friends to talk to the advisor. He said I hadn't had enough losses to offset the gains. I looked up and said "I can think of one pretty big loss."

He said, "I'm really impressed you can make a joke. Just remember that you are taking care of yourself now. Cut any investment losses and move on."

Every person gets into their own habits with regard to money management. My mother knew I would be dong things differently. I didn't balance a checkbook the way she did. I didn't pay bills 3 weeks in advance the way she did.

But she respected me for being my own person.

How did you deal with her files?

My mother was an obsessive keeper of files and papers. We filled seven large trash bags with checks dating back to 1985. She had a 1991 receipt from Lord and Taylor, and there were pieces of paper in my dad's handwriting. It gave my mom a sense of control to know she had all those papers.

As for me, I'd rather streamline, all that paper would overwhelm me.

I had to go through everything to make sure there was nothing valuable, even in terms of sentimental value.

What unanswered questions do you wish you had asked your mom about your life, hers, your dad's?

I wish I knew more about what was I like at such and such age. I think it will be hard when I have kids. I have a metaphorical jar of family stories. I wish she were around to tell more of those kinds of stories. Whom she dated, what things were like when she was young.

All of her lessons were really imparted and wisdom absorbed. My wedding day this May will be difficult. It was difficult moving to San Francisco. She loved San Francisco and would have loved hearing what we picked for our registry.

How did you deal with the furniture?

I kept a chair that had been my grandparents' and a couple of other things for sentimental reasons. I hired someone to hold an estate sale, and they took care of everything from start to finish.

My mom had these large bureaus in her bedroom. Large antiques. I didn't like the idea of just getting rid of them. If something didn't sell, I assumed they would donate, but they ended up just tossing them.

Maybe I would have taken a panel of those bureaus to make a table or something.

What was it like planning the funeral?

My mother wanted to be buried next to my father. She had my aunt and her close friend deal with the funeral plans, but I did get involved.

When I was little she took me to my father's gravesite to help me understand. She wanted to make sure I comprehended my father's death and was comfortable with it. She felt I was a secure kid. When I no longer wanted to go to the gravesite, she accepted that.

Location doesn't mean much to me. I don't have a need to go visit my mother there.

Maybe I'll take my kids there some day.

To me my mother is not in the ground. She's in my soul, my mannerisms, my heart.

What was the hardest thing for you before your mom died?

The hardest thing for me was hearing her mourn what she would have to miss. She worried about who would walk me down the aisle, and that tore my heart apart.

What was it like toward the very end of your mom's life?

Hindsight is always 20-20. My mom's oncologist was pretty on point with her diagnosis: 4-8 weeks. She died 2 ½ weeks later.

I was still in graduate school. My mom didn't want to move into a home or pay a nurse. But the rules shift when someone is sick. I turned into the mother and balanced my mom's needs against other considerations. I knew we needed a nurse.

I needed people to understand what I was going through. The night my mom died I have pleasant memories of being with beloved extended family and friends.

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