Living together Men's Tips couples' relationships

Men's tips for living together and geting along

February 16, 2012

Living together: Men's relationship tips

Source: Susan Orlins

Living together, relationship tips from men

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I recently received quite a few responses to my call for advice to couples who are living together or who are considering living together. It surprised me how many men offered advice for how two can get along in one space.

In Living Together: Tips for relationships Part I, I reported suggestions mainly from women, though one man said, "Buy two TV's!" Now, in Part II, I have culled together only men's replies to my Twitter and Facebook requests for relationship tips.

Here are tips for living together from men ranging in age from twenties to seventies.

Biggest surprise: It's a cliche but my girlfriend has just an unending amount of clothes. We were fortunate to find a place that had closets lining the hallway - and they are completely full. One closet has a shelf entirely for boots. "Baby, can we consolidate the boots so I can get some stuff in here?" Nope, not an option. So I don't fight that battle. I just hold her responsible for knowing where she crammed my stuff.
Neither of us had much stuff (besides her abundant wardrobe), and we were fortunate to be moving to an apartment and an area that were new for both of us. I would think that moving into someone else's place would be much more difficult. We got to buy furniture together and decorate with an empty canvas. Had she wanted to rip my pictures off the wall that would have been difficult, but just not putting my pictures back up was easier to take.

Up front discussion on how often cleaning happens, who pays for what, what happens (financially) in case of severe illness/layoff, what drugs will/won't be allowed, are guns allowed, how things will work (regarding lease or ownership) if either party wants to leave the relationship, pet issues, and agreement on whether friends are allowed to stay over.
I learned this the hard way—ask what prescription medications the other person takes, and look at the possible reasons that drug is prescribed and side effects. Not so long ago a very attractive woman I was dating wanted to move in. I saw a few clues, something was a bit odd about her, but we were 'in love.' She had absolutely stunning looks, but very few friends and 'almost never dates people' . . . red flags flying. She said she takes medication to keep her calm, due to an 'old thyroid issue'. Never heard of the drug, didn't bother to look it up. Long story short: She's 'manic', generally controlled by drugs and I had to deal with several 'episodes'. She legally carries a loaded 9mm Glock at all times (she was a cop for a while), and after breakup stalked me for months with messages like 'You know when we will be together again' and 'God wants us to be a couple'. My advice: check the prescriptions!
Tips: Our greatest asset is we are both comfortable communicating our feelings and concerns rather than letting them build up and create bigger problems. I have a much higher tolerance for messiness than she does, which I explained to her early on. It's not that I mind cleaning things up, it's more that it won't occur to me to do so until it inhibits my day. So just saying "let's clean up" or asking me to do something is going to be much more effective than waiting for me to do it. Because that will be well past when she would have wanted it done and it creates unnecessary tension.
I have had a great experience. I could see 100 ways it could go wrong, from having different temperature, food, sleep and TV preferences.
So nearly a year into living together, things are still going very well with B. I plan on proposing next month. I had lived with roommates all but one year since college. So that's where I was coming from upon moving to Brooklyn with B. I was 29 (she was 31) when we moved in together which helped that we were both serious about the relationship and mature enough to be ready to make it work.
As for sex, make it spontaneous and don't make me initiate it all the time. It's far too easy to go through the motions rather than making it fun. If I have to initiate sex all the time, it makes a guy feel unattractive. All that objectifying that women hate? Do that to the guy.
For me, it was faking like I didn't live the bachelor life. Being more responsible with chores and taking care of business around the place was the biggest change.
This is from a man in his seventies:

I was in a serious relationship and we both had co-ops on Central Park West in Manhattan. We felt that having two apartments was wasteful. I tried to rent my apartment out for a two-year period but there was no interest–everyone wanted to buy it, so I decided to sell it.
In retrospect I probably would have tried harder to sub-let my apartment for the two-year period. Had I persisted I could have found a renter.
Having sold a six-room co-op in a classic art deco building with enormous space, I was compelled to put most of my cherished belongings in storage. A few of my better works of art were allowed to be hung, I was given a room of my own and some closet space. Shelf space and wall space were not forthcoming to the extent I had hoped for. My "stuff" remains out of sight and I miss it. Even though it's just "stuff".
Never take moving in with someone and living together lightly. Except for a few legalities, it's essentially the same as marriage and, having been divorced twice, I should have had a higher level of awareness in this. Bottom line, I do not regret my decision and would probably do it again. Except with more closets…
With the divorce rate in this country above 50%, one might reconsider the notion of lifelong monogamy as the destiny of males and females. Perhaps we were not meant to have one mate for life as most religions suggest. That notion aside, think more shelves...

See related articles on relationships: Marriage, Divorce, Death of a Husband. Here you will also find the link to my blog Confessions of a Worrywart, where I have recently posted the story Living With Dizzy, my College Boyfriend, Circa 1967.

What relationship tips do you have for couples living together?

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Anonymous | Mar 8, 2012

The man in his 70s could never have rented his apartment, no matter how long he persisted. The brokers told him he would have to do certain renovations and he didn't want to spend the money or have the mess.

Susan Orlins | Mar 8, 2012

I think you nailed it! It all comes down to money and people are funny about how they value their homes when selling or renting. Not always realistic.