Married Couples Who Sleep in Separate Bedrooms

You may be surprised to learn how many couples sleep in separate bedrooms

April 22, 2011

Can sleeping in separate beds help in saving a marriage?

Source: getty Images

Separate bedrooms may help

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Ever since Lucy and Desi (and my grandparents), I have not seen a married couple with separate beds, let alone his and her bedrooms. When I was married, the notion of separate bedrooms never occurred to me, but if it had, I'd have worried what people would think.

So I was amazed to read that some couples believe separate rooms can save their marriages. In fact, there are married couples who have separate homes, "living apart together."

A national survey revealed 24 per cent of married Americans slept alone, nearly double from a similar 2001 survey.

And the Homebuilder's Association predicts that by 2015, 60% of new homes will be designed with two master bedrooms.

So, will separate bedrooms save or destroy your marriage?

How can sleeping together destroy a marriage? Let me count the ways

(This exhaustive—and exhausting—list is from About.com.)

Temperature of the room
To cuddle or not to cuddle
Tossing and turning
Sound: quiet, white noise, alarms
Getting up in the night
Bed: size, firmness, type of sheets, number of blankets, preferred side
Snoring, teeth grinding
Window open or closed
Sleeping with children or pets
Different bedtimes
Insomnia, sleepwalking

Experts disagree whether sleeping apart is a boon or a bust for a marriage

Dr. Willard Harley, author of Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Love, says "My feeling is that sleeping together is a very, very important part of being integrated with each other."

But Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage: A History, says sleeping in separate beds in order to get a good night's rest is reasonable.

To be successful with separate bedrooms, therapists note that it's important to be conscientious about maintaining intimacy, both physical and otherwise. They acknowledge that getting a good night of sleep helps couples enjoy their relationships.

Many experts suggest couples do what works best for them. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sleep.

Some couples find it helps to get a bigger bed or one with memory foam that allows one partner to flail around without disturbing the other.

Couples speak out about separate bedrooms

One couple praises their separate rooms. He no longer jabs her in the night and her snoring no longer wakes him up. They have dates for sex and say it enhances the romance.

Previously, the wife says, one or the other of us sometimes sleepwalked through sex. I'm a better wife, a better mom, because I'm well-rested.

Other couples fear that sleeping apart would take the spontaneity out of sex. Sex aside, consider pre-sleep togetherness, such as this one from Shine:

YES! The time before we fall asleep, when we talk in bed or make love, is the MOST precious time of my whole entire day. I wouldn't change it for the world!

After a long day when both of us have to go to work, then come home and take care of the house, do homework, and exercise, sometimes those 30 minutes are the only time we are in the same room and not doing other stuff for the entire day. It's when we can talk about things that we cannot discuss with other people around, time when we are just the two of us.

If only everyone felt that way about bed-sharing. One woman solved her husband's snoring problem by stabbing him.

On a lighter note, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, like most of upper class couples of their time, had separate bedrooms. When Victoria wanted Albert to visit, she would leave a bowl of oranges outside her bedroom door. It's said she did so nearly every night.

Weigh in!

Do you ever wish you had a separate bedroom from your partner?
Have you or other couples you know ever had separate bedrooms?
With what results?

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Anonymous | May 21, 2012

What do you think?i've been with my husband for 16 years. we've shared a bed on and off during that time due to health problems, pregnancies, work schedules... life goes on. he snores incredibly loudly and has had sleep apnea for years. he also sleeps like something dead, while i wake up every hour or two (or every time i get a smack from a flailing arm or a giant snore in my ear!) i would honestly love to have separate bedrooms and so would he, but until the kids move out (or we win the lottery!) that's not going to happen. right now, he works third shift so i go to bed around 4am, he comes and lies down by me around 9am after he gets kids off to school, we cuddle for an hour or so, then i get up and he goes to sleep. it's going to be interesting in a few months when he's back on a day shift. i'm so used to sleeping alone now, i know i hog the whole bed and wrap myself in the blankets!

Anonymous | May 19, 2012

My husband and I are together 24/7. We both work from home and have just 1 vehicle, so where he goes, I go. And where I go, he goes. We love this and wouldn't trade it for anything. We also sleep in separate rooms. I'm like a furnace running on high at all times. I do not cuddle and I overheat very easily. My husband on the other hand, is always chilled. He also snores and I have to use white noise to counteract that. I am a very light sleeper - he sleeps like the dead. We could not possibly be more unalike. Because we are together all day, ever day, having separate rooms has not caused a rift or impacted us negatively. Actually, the opposite. I no longer toss and turn all night and he doesn't freeze. It's been perfect for us!

Anonymous | May 16, 2012

Both ways are the right way depending on the couple and their circumstances. Due to my considerable chronic health issues I now sleep sitting up in a recliner because lying in a bed is extraordinarily painful for me. I toss and turn. I also have central sleep apnea so my breathing (or not) is crazy. My husband works long hours and must be up by 3:30 a.m. for work so its better for both of us to not sleep in the same room. I DO go and snuggle in as he's going to sleep. We talk about stuff and all but once he's asleep I leave. I felt bad about it for a long time but he assures me that he is much rested now that he isn't awake all night making sure I'm still breathing. Its been 6 years and I'm still alive lol. So whatever works for the couple is the best for them for whatever reasons they deem important. Adapting as a couple, together, is what its all about anyway isn't it?

Susan Orlins | May 16, 2012

This is so inspiring. I wonder whether it is mainly those with positive separate experiences who comment. There seem to be so many more like yours! I agree about adapting as a couple. Even though I'm divorced, I marvel at how much like my ex I became.

Anonymous | May 14, 2012

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms because he snores loudly and also likes white noise, both of which keep me awake. I, on the other hand, hog the bed and tend to flail all over the place which kept him from getting a good night's rest. This is a much better arrangement for us and it makes the sexual intimacy more special. We both have our own tv and we have a big screen tv in the living room for cuddling on the couch together to watch a movie. We each like having our own space when we want it and neither of us have to worry about our very different cleaning styles. He cleans his and I clean mine.

Susan Orlins | May 14, 2012

I'm so happy to hear the details of how well this works for you. It's an inspiration with others who want a better night of sleep to try this.

mem cee | May 12, 2012

I keep a separate bedroom in our house for autonomy, mainly. My partner's bed is a bit too firm for my liking, but we have separate rooms because it's important to have our own spaces. Most nights we will sleep together in one room or the other, but on some occasions I will need that time to myself and we will sleep separately. I find it enhances our connection when we sleep together again, and it's really an excellent way to cool down after an argument and wake up ready to forgive and talk.

Susan Orlins | May 12, 2012

I love the idea of not knowing in which room you'll be sleeping on a given night! This seems like a great balance. Thanks for chiming in!

Anonymous | Mar 30, 2012

When we were young newlyweds sexually attracted to each other we wouldn't dream of sleeping in separate beds much less separate rooms! However three children and twenty years later and I'm glad that my wife is sleeping in a separate bed in a separate room and letting me sleep. Despite rumors to the contrary women do snore, climb in and out of bed repeatedly and freqently pull the covers away. I for one am all in favour of separate rooms

Susan Orlins | Mar 30, 2012

It's nice to get a man's point of view. It seems to work for a lot of couples to have separate bedrooms. If you don't get decent sleep everything else is at risk of falling apart.